I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
