The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
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