shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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