Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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