ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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