All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
