I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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