her vagine was all disorganized.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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