I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Omg I joined a choir last night...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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