So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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