I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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