Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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