two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
