Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
