I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
