non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
