How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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