Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I don't deserve a penis
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
