i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
