Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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