It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
