sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
