you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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