The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
last night I used snow as a chaser
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
