plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
