If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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