I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
