I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
