You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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