I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i love accidental penises.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
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