Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I don't deserve a penis
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
