my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
