i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
