17 year olds will be the death of me.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
