i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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