I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
