I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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