I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
