so explain again why im purple
no
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize