today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
