well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
