I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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