I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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