thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
