I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
only if we run a train.
done.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I love you.
Bad choice
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