I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize