hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
