I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
