These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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