I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
It's never too late to be topless.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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