you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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