I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
