the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize