Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
