did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
accomplished twins. life is a go
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
