I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
